In its most basic form, a sentence is proposition: a statement about reality that can be accepted or rejected. We build sentences by putting propositions together. Our writing style emerges from HOW we put those propositions together.
When you write a sentence, you must consider three things:
1. what to write about and what we want to accomplish by writing about it
2. which words to use
3. what order to put them in
Effective writing anticipates, shapes, and satisfies a reader's need for information. Consequently, sentences that convey more information are generally more effective than those that convey less.
We will now practice writing sentences, focusing on the logical order of your details presented. Access "Vocabulary Two" sentences on the blog. Rewrite any sentences to make it clearer, more logical, and more informative. Incorporate lesson three vocabulary words into new sentences.
118 comments:
Class,
I have provided an example below.
Original Sentence: The pastor, who had alot of altruism, bought a expensive oranmament for the tree in his church, only to be crushed when half of it was broken into shards, making it mostly a bauble.
Details about an object should follow immediately after that noun. For example, the detail "crushed when half of it was broken" should follow "ornament".
Don't use needless words. "who had a lot of altruism" (which is 6 words) could simply have been expressed by using the adjective altruistic (1 word).
New Sentence: The altruistic pastor generously bought for his congregation's christmas tree an expensive ornament, which unfortunately shattered into broken shards when an alter server tried to hang it on a branch, reducing this once thoughtful gift into a worthless bauble.
To continue my thought,
The reason you don't want needless words is that this takes the place of relevent, information. Did you see how I was able to add more details, more information, by changing altruistic.
Original: Showing his altruism, Bob bought his friend a bauble welcome home gift which broke into many shards of glass soon after buying it.
New: Altruistic Bob bought his friend a bauble welcome home gift which broke into many shards of glass so it impaled him.
1.The twin brothers were antithesis of each other. One was quiet and impotent, while the other was strong and loved to gloat. This created a bestial rivalry between the two, which obfuscated their parents who realized that they needed to edify their sons.
The girl is bland and doesn’t talk much, but she has never caused her parochial family to feel ignoble for her boorish actions.
Stefi,
Better, but I think you can further edit it.
"Altruistic Bob bought his friend John a homecoming gift, a bauble which unfortunately broke into shards impaling John.”
The families' effete house was enervated by the cataclysm that passed through the town last week, so they were fervent to rectify the place because they had nowhere to stay.
1. The twin brothers were antithesis of each other. One was quiet and impotent, while the other was stong and loved to gloat. This created a bestial rivalry between the two. That was the sentenced I was editing. which i still need to because i didn't really edit it ijust added some words.
Btw, Roy halladay, big news.
Orginial:
The man was very bland, so he decided he was going to become a boor to make himself seem more interesting, but all he did was become an ignoble person.
Change:
The bland CEO wanted to become more interesting so as to attract exciting new employies for his advertising company. But his version of becoming more interesting was becoming a boor. This made potential emploies see him as a ignoble person who was not going to help them furture their career in their industry.
Original: The man was very bland, so he decided he was going to become a boor to make himself seem more interesting, but all he did was become an ignoble person.
Revision: The bland man was so ignoble that he was regarded as a boor rather than interesting.
Ian,
Good sentences. Need a little more information to make sense. Look below:
The twin brothers, John and Sam, were antithesis of each other. John was quiet and impotent while Sam was strong and loved to gloat. This created a bestial rivalry between the two, which obfuscated their parents who realized that they needed to edify their sons, wanting to teach them to overlook their differences in order to support each other.
1. The twin brothers were antithesis in comparison. One was quiet and impotent, while the other was strong and gloated often. This created a bestial rivalry between the two, which later caused the two to be edified by their parents.
Anna,
Need more information to complete sense.
The families' effete house was FURTHER enervated by the cataclysm (WHICH WAS) that passed through the town last week, so they were fervent to rectify the place because they had nowhere to stay.
That last edit is what i meant to post.
Original: The bestial man gloated as he looked at the impotent man he was impeding from entering the store. These two men were antithesis of each other.
New: The bestial man,John, gloated about himself after seeing the impotent and pedestrian man. John felt that they were the antithesis of eachother.
Origial: The aegis was broken into shards and there was no way to rectify it.
Revision: Tom's emotional aegis was broken into shards, with no way to rectify it, when he was made fun of.
Mrs Rotter,
I read your post after i sent you a edited sentence by accident.
Original: Her pespicacity led to a complete ihilism of the rules and the attemps to emandate her factious behavior never worked.
Revision: Jane's nihilism of the rules led her to make decisions lacking perpicacity; various attempts to emandate her factious behavior ended in disaster.
Original: The women in the diaphanous gown had once had an ephemeral job as an erotic dancer.
New: Mary was wearing a diaphanous gown that was far from being pedestrian. Mary once had an epemeral job as an erotic dancer but it was all bona fide.
Katie,
Don't be afraid of using prepostional phrases and commas to add details in a sentence. It makes writing clearer.
Example:
The advertising company's CEO, realizing his bland approach to management was discouraging prospective employees,created a more assertive approach, which turned him into a boor, ironically discouraging even more people from applying to open jobs. .
Class,
Consider the order in which you present the details of you sentence. You must present them in a logical order.
All the bestial boy's gloating affected his antithesis impotent brother and was an impediment to his progression in life.
Ted’s bestial gloating had affect on his antithesis impotent brother, impeding his progression in life.
BTW yesterday was Danny Briere’s birthday.
All the bestial boy's gloating affected his antithesis impotent brother and was an impediment to his progression in life.
All the bestial boy's gloating affected his impotent and pedestrian brother who was the atithesis of himself, and all this gloating was an impediment to his brother's life
Orginial:
The mase was a labyrinth of differnt ways to walk, but there was a emendation way out, the antithesis of what most people thought.
Correction:
The extensive maze was a labyrinth of swists and turns, and lefts and rights. It was anyones guess as to which way to choose. However there was a correct way out. The one mother felt there was no way out, the antithesis of what they were told at the entrance. The mother's thought had an emendation in the end when they finaly found their way out after three hours of walking in circles.
Original: the sailor hid below the aegis that was the lower deck when the maelstrom hit the ship, causing him to be a chagrin to the captain.
with changes:
When the maelstrom of a hurricane hit his ship, the sailer experienced a moment of chagrin when he got scared and hid in the aegis of the lower deck.
Ginny,
More information to make complete sense.
The bland man was so ignoble (WHY? WHAT DID HE DO?) that he was regarded as a boor (BY WHOM) rather than interesting.
Original: the sailor hid below the aegis that was the lower deck when the maelstrom hit the ship, causing him to be a chagrin to the captain.
with changes:
When the maelstrom of a hurricane hit his ship, the sailer experienced a moment of chagrin when he got scared and hid in the aegis of the lower deck.
Stefi,
Missing a connection between ideas.
Mary was wearing a diaphanous gown that was far from being pedestrian.(WHAT CONNECTS THESE TWO IDEAS?) Mary once had an epemeral job as an erotic dancer but it was all bona fide.
Is the dress from her career as a dancer?
Meghan,
Further editing is needed. I am still confused.
Ted’s bestial gloating (WHY WAS HE GLOATING?) had s negatively EFFECT on his antithesis, HIS impotent brother, impeding his progression in life (HOW).
The bland young man was so ignoble that he stole a young child's bag of candy on Haloween, hoping to impress his friends, thus, he was regarded as a boor rather than interesting.
Ryan,
Rework. Some information missing to make sense of sentence. Why does his brother pick on him? How did gloating impede life?
All the bestial boy's gloating affected his impotent and pedestrian brother who was the atithesis of himself, and all this gloating was an impediment to his brother's life
The emendation to the labyrinth was actually the antithesis to the first version.
The emendation to the labyrinth was actually the antithesis to the first more pedestrian version allowing for more obfuscation.
The bland young man was so ignoble that he stole a young child's bag of candy on Haloween, hoping to impress his friends, thus, he was regarded as a boor rather than interesting.
Ginny,
Excellent sentence!
When the maelstrom of a hurricane hit his ship, the sailer experienced a moment of chagrin when he got scared and hid in the aegis of the lower deck.
Mrs. Rotter,
Her dress is from her job. I didn't mean to put the word being before pedestrian but I was trying to say that the dress isn't ordinary or dull.
Original -The factious editor took part in nihilism, so he didn't have the perspicacity to write the emendations for the book.
The nihilism of the document only needed emendations, according to the factious congressman, who had the perspicacity to continue sharing optimum ideas to try and pass the new laws.
Original: The celebrity had his bodyguards provide an aegis from the maelstrom that was the media, who wanted to gloat over the chagrin of his divorce.
Edited: The celebrity’s body guards provided an aegis from the maelstrom of the media, who wanted to gloat over the chagrin of his divorce when he entered a parochial alley on the way to his car.
My sentence about candy showed up twice...
Meghan (and class),
You guys always rely on the same conjunction: and. You can use so many more: so, because, therefore, but, yet, etc. try it.
The emendation to the hay labyrinth created the antithesis to the first more pedestrian version, which created more obfuscation for the farm's patrons.
The ignoble boor was quick to point out the blandness of the pedestrian dish his wife spent hours making.
The ignoble boor was quick to point out the blandness of the pedestrian dish his wife spent hours making, impaling her confidence.
The factious man had the perspicacity to emandation his nihilistic behavior
The factious boy had the perspicacity to make an emendation to his nihilistic behavior, but only to obfuscate his mother so that he would not be grounded.
Ian,
Excellent!!! Just moved one phrase to be nearer to the noun it modifies.
The celebrity’s body guards, when he entered a parochial alley on the way to his car, provided an aegis from the maelstrom of the media, who wanted to gloat over the chagrin of his divorce .
Guys,
Keep it up. Your sentences are improving, becoming more complex while still remaining clear and concise.
The fervent attempts to rectify the school that was desptroyed in ther hurricane in time for school to start, were weakened by the many storms that hit the town after then one that destroyed the school first time. And sfter the third one everyone was too effeted to keep trying.
Correction:
In prime tornado season in tornado valley one school was destroyed a week before school was about to begin. There was a fervent attempt by the community to recitify the building in time for school to begin. Then a second tornado hit the town hard destroying the school again. This effeted the the already enervated towns memebers so much so that they gave up and decided to begin work later on in the year, so as to avoid anymore set backs to progress they made.
Original
The opulent young man was always gloating of his erotic activities down at the club.
Changed
The opulent Harvard student liked to gloat to the underclassmen about her ertic adventures at the 21+ club down the street.
Original
The opulent young man was always gloating of his erotic activities down at the club.
Changed
The opulent Harvard student liked to gloat to the underclassmen about her ertic adventures at the 21+ club down the street.
Original
The opulent young man was always gloating of his erotic activities down at the club.
Changed
The opulent Harvard student liked to gloat to the underclassmen about her ertic adventures at the 21+ club down the street.
Why are all my posts coming up multiple times?! D:
The fervent attempts to rectify the school that was desptroyed in ther hurricane in time for school to start, were weakened by the many storms that hit the town after then one that destroyed the school first time. And sfter the third one everyone was too effeted to keep trying.
The fervent attempts to rebuild the school that was destroyed in a hurricane were enervated by the many storms that hit the town after the one that had destroyed the school the first time and after the third one everyone was effeted to keep trying.
Original:
3. Marks emotions were like a maelstrom, so he tried to aegis himself from other people so they wouldn’t be able to hurt him, after all he had been through in his life he felt such chagrin, but after making many friends and becoming popular his self esteem was restored and he would gloat about his happiness.
New:
Mark's emotions were like a maelstron and he tried living under his own aegis in order to protect himself from other people so they wouldn't be able to hurt him, after all he had been through in his life he felt such chagrin, but after making many friends and becoming popular his self esteem was restored and he would gloat about his happiness.
Kate,
Watch wordiness.
During the height of tornado, JFK school was destroyed a week before classes began. There was a fervent community attempt to recitify this by fixing the school. Unfortunately, a second tornado hit the town again, ruining their attempts. This effeted the already enervated towns memebers, who gave up on the school, deciding to begin work later on in the year, so as to avoid anymore set backs due to the weather.
Ginny,
Great!
The opulent Harvard student liked to gloat to the underclassmen about her ertic adventures at the 21+ club down the street.
2. Her pespicacity led to a complete ihilism of the rules and the attemps to emandate her factious behavior never worked.
*nihilism
Original:The girl is bland and doesn’t talk much, but she has never caused her parochial family to feel ignoble for her boorish actions.
Changed: The bland girl doesnt talk much but she doesnt act like a boor, causing her parochial family to feel ignoble.
The judge knew this man was very factious but did have the perspicacity to handle himself in a courtroom. He started out by saying that this new law was a nihilism and that there needed to be a emendation. After hearing this from the man she considered his argument and banishes the law.
The judge knew this man was very factious, but did have the perspicacity to handle himself in a courtroom. He started out by saying that this new law was a nihilism and that there needed to be a emendation. After hearing this from the man she considered his argument and banished the law.
The impotent boy was the antithesis of his very bestial brother who every time he beat him up gloated about it. So the boy had to create a impediment around his door so his brother couldn’t get in.
The impotent boy was the antithesis of his very bestial brother who, every time he beat him up, gloated about it. So the boy had to create an impediment around his door, so his brother couldn’t get in.
Original:When the maelstrom of a hurricane hit his ship, the sailer experienced a moment of chagrin when he got scared and hid in the aegis of the lower deck.
Changed: When the maelstrom of the hurricane hit the sailor experienced chagrin and hid under the aegis of the lower deck.
old. The superhero gloats to the news media about how he defeated the existing antithesis villain, who is bestial and cased mischief towards impotent civilians in the town. He told the news reporters how no impediment could get in his way of saving the town.
new. The superhero gloats to the media about his defeat of the existing antithesis villain. This bestial villian causes mischief towards impotent civilians in the town, but the superhero explains that no impediment can get in his way of saving the town.
Original: The kindly old woman displayed nothing but altruism when her grandson stepped on a glass shard from a shattered bauble.
Reviseed: The kind altruistic grandmother removed a shard of glass out her grandson’s foot from a shattered bauble.
5.the queen had a moment of altruism when she gave a shard of her bauble diamond to a peasant
The Queen, in an ephemeral act of altruism, presented a peasant with a shard of her precious bauble, a large diamond.
The man was very bland, so he decided he was going to become a boor to make himself seem more interesting, but all he did was become an ignoble person.
The bland man decided he was going to become a boor to make himself interesting, but all he did was extenuated his situation
Original: The usually gloating boy lost his aegis because of the maelstrom of his parents divorce, causing him to feel chagrin.
Revised: The boy, chagrined by the maelstrom of his parents divorce, seemed to have lost the aegis he usually hid behind while gloating.
Brittane,
Logic still off.
The bland girl doesnt talk much but she doesnt act like a boor, causing her parochial family to feel ignoble (WHY?).
Why would her family find her ignoble if she is not boorish ot talk to much?
Original:
On one side of the hill there needed to be an emendation to the labyrinth because there was no way of getting out. On the other side of the hill the other labyrinth was antithesis and had a way out.
new:
there was a fecund emendation to the labyrinth that had no way out, while the antithesis labyrinth on the other side of the hill was finished and had a way out.
Amelia,
BraVo!
The impotent boy was the antithesis of his very bestial brother who, every time he beat him up, gloated about it. So the boy had to create an impediment around his door, so his brother couldn’t get in.
George used his car as an aegis because of the maelstorm of hail coming down but Zack tried to make it into the school when he was hit on the head and was chargin while George was gloating because he told Zack not to go outside
George had the aegis of his car to protect him from the maelstrom of hail, but Zack felt chagrin when he was hit in the head because of his lack of a car. George spent the rest of the day gloating that he had told him to not go out in the storm and if he had listened to him he wouldn't be injured.
Original: The erotic dancer thought that the man really loved her but in reality he only liked her diaphanous outifts and his love for her was ephemeral.
Revised: The mans so called "love" for the erotic dancer, was in reality, rather shallow and ephemeral, as he was only interested by her diaphanous get ups.
old.
To reward the altruism of town hero who died in the fire, they cut a shard of his fireman uniform jacket and added it to the trophy in the case which will serve as a bauble for everyone to remember him by.
new.
Honoring the altruistic man who died in the fire, a shard was cut off his uniform and placed to the trophy case which will serve as a bona fide bauble of rememberance.
Cara,
Order that you present details are confusing. I think you should present it in a different order.I started editing it. You finish it.
The superhero gloats to the media about his defeat of his antithesis, the evil Dr. Evil, a bestial villian who attacks impotent civilians in the town..... but the superhero explains that no impediment can get in his way of saving the town.
Original: The tornado seemed to be gloating as it tore through the house, while the family watched with chagrin from down the street, using a wide pipe drain as an aegis from the maelsrrom.
New: The chagrined family, sitting behind the aegis shielding them from the maelstrom, watched as the gloating tornado tore through their house.
ORINGINAL:
The impotent mailman was the antithesis of the senator, who lived across the street with a impediment around his large estate, that had a bestial delight in gloating about his job.
NEW SENTANCE:
The senator lived with a large impediment around his estate to keep pedestrian people away as he gloats about his job, he is the antithesis of the mailman that lived across the street who loved to socialize with ordinary people.
Changed :
The bland girl doesnt talk much adn doesnt act boorish,which keeps her family from feeling ignoble..
Original : The bland girl doesnt talk much but she doesnt act like a boor, causing her parochial family to feel ignoble (WHY?).
Original: the erotic boy would always gloat about all of the females he would get. despite his friends made fun of him for being the way he was.
Revised: Jeff, an erotic boy, went on a date with a different girl each weekend and opposed a serious relationship. Although his friends always made fun of him for doing this, he deviated from their advice and continued in his parochial view of life.
ORINGINAL:
The impotent mailman was the antithesis of the senator, who lived across the street with a impediment around his large estate, that had a bestial delight in gloating about his job.
NEW SENTANCE:
The senator lived with a large impediment around his estate to keep pedestrian people away as he gloats about his job, he is the antithesis of the mailman that lived across the street who loved to socialize with ordinary people.
Original: The erotic dancers' preformace only experienced ephemeral due to the fact that in the middle of her preformace her diaphanous outfit got caught on stage.
New: The erotic dancers’ performance was ephemeral because her diaphanous outfit got caught on stage.
George,
Confusing! I am not even sure how to help. Can you redo. Make it clearer.
The fecund emendation to the labyrinth that had no way out, while the antithesis labyrinth on the other side of the hill was finished and had a way out.
NEW SENTANCE:
The senator lived with a large impediment around his estate to keep pedestrian people away as he gloats about his job, he is the antithesis of the impotent mailman that lived across the street who loved to socialize with ordinary people.
Original: Rebecca had a lot of altruism, but once I received my bauble from her, I threw it to the ground and it shattered into shards of glass.
Rebecca had altruism, but when I received my unwanted bauble her I glowered at it and threw it to the ground watching it shatter into shard of glass.
Val,
Good sentence, but "gloating" isn't a good word for tornado. Can you think of another adjective instead?
The chagrined family, sitting behind the aegis shielding them from the maelstrom, watched as the gloating tornado tore through their house.
Original: The man was very bland, so he decided he was going to become a boor to make himself seem more interesting, but all he did was become an ignoble person.
New Sentence: The bland man decided to become a boor because he was tired of being uninteresting, but by doing this he adventitiously became an ignoble person.
old.
The girl is bland and doesn’t talk much, but she has never once in her life caused her family to feel ignoble for having boorish actions.
new.
The bland girl doesn’t talk much, and has never caused her family to feel ignoble because she doesnt have boorish actions. She never importunes and is considered an optitmum child in the family.
Zach,
You need some commas and restructureing of sentence to make sense of it. I started, you finish.
The smug senator, who constructed a large impediment around his estate to keep pedestrian people away,...
as he gloats about his job, he is the antithesis of the mailman that lived across the street who loved to socialize with ordinary people.
Original: John wanted to gloat to his parents about his work however, his slow reading was acting as an aegis therefore, John felt a lot of chagrin and his emotions were like a maelstrom.
Correction: John was always gloating about his grades to his parents, but when he started his junior year, his slow reading began to become an aegis to getting good grades. Every time John received his report card, his mind was in a maelstrom and he knew he would feel chagrin when his parents saw his grades.
Original: John wanted to gloat to his parents about his work however, his slow reading was acting as an aegis therefore, John felt a lot of chagrin and his emotions were like a maelstrom.
Correction: John was always gloating about his grades to his parents, but when he started his junior year, his slow reading began to become an aegis to getting good grades. Every time John received his report card, his mind was in a maelstrom and he knew he would feel chagrin when his parents saw his grades.
Original: the erotic boy would always gloat about all of the females he would get. despite his friends made fun of him for being the way he was.
Fix: Pete, the erotic boy, was constantly gloating to all of his friends about the plethora of girls that liked him. Despite Pete's ambiguous attitude he failed to accept his friends' efforts to edify him instead of making fun of his ways.
The chagrined family, sitting behind the aegis sheilding them from the maelstrom, watched as the seemingly gloating tornado tore through their house.
Julia,
Need more details.
Rebecca had altruism (WHY), but when I received my unwanted bauble FROM??? her I glowered at it (WHY) and threw it to the ground watching it shatter into shardS of glass.
Rebecca Ru,
Good, but more details! Logic! Why would he decide to become a boor to stop being bland?
The bland man decided to become a boor because he was tired of being uninteresting, but by doing this he adventitiously became an ignoble person.
Val,
I like that edit!
The chagrined family, sitting behind the aegis sheilding them from the maelstrom, watched as the seemingly gloating tornado tore through their house.
Original: The girl is bland and doesn’t talk much, but she has never caused her parochial family to feel ignoble for her boorish actions.
Revised: Emily is a bland girl who doesn’t talk much, however, her parochial family never feels ignoble about her because they know she is just a quiet girl and does not mean to be a boor.
Original: The erotic dancers' preformace only experienced ephemeral due to the fact that in the middle of her preformace her diaphanous outfit got caught on stage.
New: The erotic dancers’ performance was ephemeral because her diaphanous outfit got caught on stage.
Brooke,
Great sentence except aegis used in wrong context. Aegis is like protection, a shield. It seems his low reading skills is the oppsoite. Fix please!
John was always gloating about his grades to his parents, but when he started his junior year, his slow reading began to become an aegis to getting good grades. Every time John received his report card, his mind was in a maelstrom and he knew he would feel chagrin when his parents saw his grades.
original:
original
Dave's erotic girlfriend saw the diaphanous shooting star, but it was only for an ephermal moment.
new:
dave's erotic ,yet pedestrian
looking girlfriend saw a diaphanous shooting star , but the moment was ephemeral for the star soon passed.
The smug senator, who constructed a large impediment around his estate to keep pedestrian people away, the antithesis of this man, the mailman, who lived across the street watched the the smug man hide behind his impediment and gloat about his corrupted job, as the mailman socialized with the ordinary people across the street.
Briana,
One question. Pete does not seem to have an ambiguous attitude. He is a player and like it it seems. Fix logic in sentence.
Pete, the erotic boy, was constantly gloating to all of his friends about the plethora of girls that liked him. Despite Pete's ambiguous attitude he failed to accept his friends' efforts to edify him instead of making fun of his ways.
Original: The boy thought he was under the aegis of his friends but when he began to gloat they left him leaving him in a maelstrom of problems ultimatley ending in him feeling chargrin.
Revised: Thinking he was under the aegis of his riends, John began to gloat obstreperously, and it didn't take long before his friends left him chagrined and alone in a maelsrtom of problems.
the body builder gloated at his arm while making fun of the smaller ,impotent arm of a child.
The body builder gloated about his arms to the small, impotent child.
George and class,
Every detail in a sentence should matter. Why does the fact that Dave's girlfriend is erotic matter to this sentence? Rework and add mroe information to explain.
dave's erotic ,yet pedestrian
looking girlfriend, saw a diaphanous shooting star , but the moment was ephemeral for the star soon passed.
He decided to a boor to stop being bland becuase he was tired of being uninteresting though.
Original: George used his car as an aegis because of the maelstorm of hail coming down but Zack tried to make it into the school when he was hit on the head and was chargin while George was gloating because he told Zack not to go outside.
Revised: Much to Zack's chagrin, he was hit on the head while trying to make it into the school during a hailstorm. Especially, when he looked back towards gloating George who had taken refuge in the aegis of the car.
Zach,
Much better. I added some more to make an ideaa. What do you think?
The smug senator, who constructed a large impediment around his estate to keep pedestrian people away, is the antithesis of the mailman,the "common" man who lived across the street. As the mailman socialized with the ordinary people on the block, the senator hid behind his impediment and gloated about his corrupted job. It seems the mailman was the better leader.
old.
The old map created of the confusing labyrinth maze was wrong and needed many emendations, because the old directions given were completely antithesis to what the correct route out was.
new.
The old map created of the labyrinth obfuscated many people, therefore it needed emendations. The directions caused the people to deviate away from the exit, and were antithesis to the correct way out. These mistakes were adventitious and fixed in one day.
Zach,
Much better. I added some more to make an ideaa. What do you think?
The smug senator, who constructed a large impediment around his estate to keep pedestrian people away, is the antithesis of the mailman,the "common" man who lived across the street. As the mailman socialized with the ordinary people on the block, the senator hid behind his impediment and gloated about his corrupted job. It seems the mailman was the better leader.
Maria,
Good sentence. Just see my semicolon use.
Emily is a bland girl who doesn’t talk much; however, her parochial family never feels ignoble about her because they know she is just a quiet girl and does not mean to be a boor.
it doesnt matter to the sentence i just left it in there because it was the the first sentence . i can take it out if u want
Rebecca!
So much needs to be explained! Rework.
He decided to a boor )WHY?) to stop being bland (HOW WAS HE BLAND?) becuase he was tired of being uninteresting though.
Ruby's night out was ephemeral when her father crashed the party and became peevish about her erotic outfit and the fact that it was way to short and diaphanous.
Ruby's night out was ephmeral due to her fathers feelings toward her short and diaphanous outfit.
Cara,
good! Moved some details to make more sense.
The old map of the labyrinth obfuscated many people because the directions caused people to deviate away from the exit, the antithesis of the correct way out. Therefore it needed emendations. These mistakes were adventitious and fixed in one day.
Original: Ruby's night out was ephemeral when her father crashed the party and became peevish about her erotic outfit and the fact that it was way to short and diaphanous.
New: Ruby's night out was unfortunately ephemeral when her peevish father crashed the party because of her erotic, diaphanous outfit.
Fix #2
Pete, the erotic boy, was constantly gloating to all of his friends about the plethora of girls that liked him. Pete's flirtaous attitude contributed to his failure of accepting his friends' efforts to edify him instead of making fun of his ways
Original: The boy thought he was under the aegis of his friends but when he began to gloat they left him leaving him in a maelstrom of problems ultimatley ending in him feeling chargrin.
Revised: The pedestrian boy thought his friends were his aegis, but when he began gloating about his accomplishments, they left him in a maelstrom of problems causing him to feel obfuscated and chagrin when he realized that he was alone
Original: The bestial manager always gloats to his anthithesis, the impotent employee who has a speech impediment.
New: John, the bestial manager of the company, always gloats about his glorious achievements and raises to his antithesis employees who glower at him everytime he speaks.
Samantha,
Good! Added more details to make more sense. See below.
John, the bestial manager of the company, always gloats about his glorious achievements and raises to his employees, his antithesis because they have not been recognized for their successes,resulting in denied raises for over two years. Consequently, they glower at him every time he speaks.
Brittanee
Wow. Clear, concise, and logical.
Ruby's night out was ephmeral due to her fathers feelings toward her short and diaphanous outfit.
Briana,
Nice fix:
Pete, the erotic boy, was constantly gloating to all of his friends about the plethora of girls that liked him. Pete's flirtaous attitude contributed to his failure of accepting his friends' efforts to edify him.
Maria,
GREAT!!!! Added a word to make more sense.
The pedestrian boy thought his friends were his aegis, but when he began gloating about his PUNY (connect ides to pedestrian) accomplishments, they left him in a maelstrom of problems causing him to feel obfuscated and chagrin when he realized that he was alone
I belive that the wife is shaddy because she talks in a flirty way to Mr Kapasi
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